Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
