he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
