that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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