I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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