i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
they call him Oral-B. enough said
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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