my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
