peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Someone shattered a urinal.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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