Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
