I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
