I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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