My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
