currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
