he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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