OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
