i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
