god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
