Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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