i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
