You made me cry and you don't even care
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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