Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
