I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
