he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
