When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
