How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
