Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
