He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize