What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
