ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
