mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
