Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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