Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
