someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Randomize