An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
