I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
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