Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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