dude i'm inner monologue high
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
