M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
