he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm always down for nudity.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
