I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize