I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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