I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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