I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
