You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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