Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
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