Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
