im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
