dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize