Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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