Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
