Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
