DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
