Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize
