I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
