i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
