Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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