Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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