woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
