actually, I'm a sock model
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Randomize