M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
