You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
