I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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