Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
