Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
