PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
