So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
