Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
