No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
