Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
organizing the empties. That sober.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
